Pure Soft Soap

Today is Tuesday and it’s time for the King of Bullshit to write some more bullshit. I tried to come up with a different word. I went to a thesaurus and could’ve used these words.


Absurdity, babble, balderdash, baloney, bananas, bombast, bunk, claptrap, drivel, fatuity, flightiness, folly, foolishness, fun, gibberish, giddiness, hooey, hogwash, hot air, imprudence, inanity, irrationality, jazz, jest, jive, joke, ludicrousness, madness, mumbo jumbo, palaver, poppycock, prattle, pretense, ranting, rashness, rot, rubbish, scrawl, scribble, senselessness, silliness, soft soap, stupidity, thoughtlessness, trash,  and finally, tripe.


I like “soft soap”.


I think all the words can apply except for the ones that mean lies. My bullshit is bullshit but it’s 100% honest bullshit, which is why it’s the best word to use.

Maybe we should come up with a new word for bullshit. Any suggestions?

What if we just pretty up the word? Instead of saying, "Bullshit!" We could say," A male bovine's excrement!!"

Doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?


Why is it when your hand or your leg falls asleep it tingles? And why do they call it “asleep”? It’s not asleep to me. Asleep is asleep.


Imagine if that’s how it really felt when we did go asleep at night. Our bodies would tingle all over and that’s how we determine how good we slept.


“Man, my body was really tingling last night.”

“Damn, I wish I could sleep that good.”


There would be commercials for some crazy sounding drug to help you sleep. Maybe some name like Tingilus.


“Do you suffer from peaceful tingle-free nights? Well your troubles are over with Tingilus. With Tingilus you are assured 10 hours of tingling sleep”


“Those suffering from 24 hours of tingling should consult your physician”


If you read a good suspense book or seen a good suspense movie.

"That book is so good. Very spine-sleeping."

Guys who went to the club would be bragging to their friends.


“I met some woman last night who was so fine she’ll make parts of your body sleep”


Or if you ate a Peppermint Patty candy.


“When I eat a Peppermint Patty I get the sleeping sensation that I’m …”


I think there’s a Charlie Brown joke there somewhere, too.


I'm not giving you any "soft soap" when I say, "Thanks for listening to my male bovine's extrement".

What I Write When Boredom Meets Writer's Block

Well, today is Tuesday and for some strange reason I like writing articles on Tuesdays. Easier said than done. I have no idea what to write about. I was going to try a poem but nothing was coming to me so i decided to just write what comes to me from my crazy thinking.

I'm looking at our hand sanitizer and our can of Lysol and both say they kill 99.9% of germs.

Which isn't bad at all, but what if there was a guy out there who was immune to all germs except that 0.1%? Wouldn't that suck? Kinda like Superman and Kryptonite, Achilles and his heel, Me and petite curvy brunettes.


Do you play video games? Saturday for the first time ever i played on a XBox. I played that new UFC game. It was fun and my competitive juices were flowing.

Rose and I have been talking forever about getting a Wii. Now I can't wait to get one. I want all the sports games for it plus we want to get the Beatles Rock Band when it comes out later this year. I sound just Lennon when i sing. Vladimir Lenin.

It's crazy since I haven't own a video game since Atari 5200 (Google it if you don't remember it. It's been a few years) I'm not exactly a electronic gadget type of guy.

In fact, here's my last tweet from twitter,"My friend laughed at me b/c I was using a typewriter. Good thing he didn't see my rotary phone. Well, gotta go now my beeper just went off."

Yes, I said twitter. I'm on twitter and Facebook. It's only a matter of time before I'm on Skype and have a iPhone. :)


Not that I'm a huge celebrity follower but Jon and Kate from Jon and Kate Plus 8 are divorcing. Which means more great ratings for the show and more tabloid bullshit.

I feel for the kids and ONLY the kids. Jon and Kate did the show only for the money. Raising 8 kids has to be very expensive but they should have known they were putting their marriage in jeopardy when they signed that contract.

Look at all the other couples who shared their lives on any media form or who worked together who got divorced or broke up.

Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, Sonny and Cher, Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball, Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and any son of a Greek billionaire, Amy Winehouse and countless English crack dealers, and finally, Perez Hilton and Carrie Prejean ( or is that Perez Hilton and Will I. Am)

Well, that's it for this post. Hope you liked it but it's what happens when boredom meets writer's block.  
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A Good Mail Day

Today I receive 2 packages. One from the U.S. Postal Service and another from UPS. Yay!! I love when i get packages.

The first package was my new phone. Nothing fancy. I lost my phone somewhere. Isn't there any nice people left in the world? I called the phone and left texts offering rewards for returning my phone yet someone chose to keep it. Thankfully, I had insurance.

The other package I receive was from our very own Kelly. Yay!! My prize for winning her "Why Did The Bride Cross The Road?" contest. I love winning. I love winning anything I play. I opened the box and inside was a very pretty Animal Spirit card from Leanin' Tree. It explained the dolphin spirit and on the front said, "Take Time To Play Every Day".

Also inside the box was the prize. Two fun-lovin' transplanted Texan gnomes (takes my six shooter out and shoots in the air accidently hitting Kelly's shop door --- oops) Thanks so much, Kelly for the prize and the sweet card.  There IS nice people in the world.  I had no idea you mailed them to me so quickly.  Here's a pic of them enjoying my house. :)

Am I Being French?

While watching "The Sting" last night there was a classic scene where they were playing poker. In the scene, Paul Newman tells Robert Shaw if he didn't pay up it will be all around Chicago that he welshed on his bet.

Here's the definition of welsh from Dictionary.com.

welsh   [welsh, welch] 
–verb (used without object) Informal: Sometimes Offensive.
1.    to cheat by failing to pay a gambling debt: You aren't going to welsh on me, are you?
2.    to go back on one's word: He welshed on his promise to help in the campaign.

My question to you is how many times did the people of Wales not pay a bet or go back on their word that it became known as welsh? You think it would have to been a lot. It couldn't have been like 10 times because then that's not fair. It had to be at least a few thousand times.

Do you think that when Tom Jones plays Vegas he can gamble? Or are they scared he might welsh?

Don't politicians from Wales have it the easiest? The Welsh really don't expect them to keep their promises. If they did they're not Welsh.

I better stop. People of Wales I promise not to bring that up again. Plus I'm ready to talk about the French.

Is there a saying for the French? I can't think of one. I should make one up.

I thought of one, but not for the French but one referring to the people of the Netherlands. Going Dutch.

Again here's a definition from Dictionary.com.

9. go Dutch, to have each person pay his or her own expenses: a dinner where everyone goes Dutch. Also, go dutch.

Again that had to happened a million times to have it be their own. I'm sure the Dutch don't mind it, though. Going Dutch isn't too bad. At least, that's what I told lots of my dates. They always said I had to be Dutch and I would tell them I was and that they could call me by my Dutch name Maarten Walwoort but many just called me Assen Holen ... I don't think that's Dutch, do you?

I know I said I was going after the French but for some reason I want to go after the Canadians. I have no beef with Canada I just like picking on them.

Years back, I used to have webtv and on webtv they had a million different chat rooms. I used to go into the Canadian room when I was bored and ask dumb questions like, "Why did Canada take ham and try to make it their own by naming it Canadian Bacon?" I know, I know, dumb but it was funny because they would get so mad at me. You think they would just ignore me but they would get so angry.

One of the funniest e-mails I ever received was from some higher ups from webtv who asked me at the end of the e-mail if I could "please leave the Canadians alone".

Sticking with my Canadian Bacon joke whenever we see someone no matter what country they're from take something and tries to make it their own we could say, "Hey, stop being a Canadian!!"

Okay, now to the French. I was going to come up with one but I thought of a real one, Pardon my French. I guess swearing is a French thing. See that's not really bad and swearing isn't really a French thing. How about whenever someone acts like a snobby asshole we could say, "Stop being French". Yeah, I like that better and it fits better than the swearing one.

Since I just picked on the Canadians and the French I guess the next logical choice is people from Quebec.  French Canadians. A-ha!!

Nah, it's all Greek to me. Which reminds me of another ....

Here a Chicken, There a Chicken, Everywhere a ...

Last Sunday Rose decided to take her neices out for pizza. I didn't feel like going so I went and got me some chicken for lunch.

Now before I go on I should tell my readers that I loves me some chicken. Yummy. I really don't care how it's prepared just give me some thighs and get the hell out of the way. I know the way I buy it, order it and cook it is not the healthiest of ways but what can I say ? Like I said before I loves me some chicken.

So I come home after buying the chicken sit in the living room and proceed to work it like a champ. If chicken eating was an Olympic event I would be another Michael Phelps. A few minutes later (I told you I was working it) I sat back, watched some sports while I used every bit of those napkins to wipe the grease and hot sauce from my mouth and hands.

Now fast forward 8 hours later, it's around 10pm, Rose and I are watching TV when I feel something in my shirt pocket. I say out loud,"What the hell do I got in my pocket?" I reach in and pull out some chicken skin. Yes, some dried up chicken skin from 8 hours earlier. Are you kidding me? I show Rose and crack up laughing because it reminds me of a Vegas trip I took.

Some years back I went on a trip around the U.S. by myself. I rented a car for 3 weeks and drove all around visiting friends. I started in Ohio and headed west. Went to the Badlands, Sturgis, about every National Park , Vancouver, Seattle, Portland then drove all the way down the Pacific Coast highway.

While in L.A. visiting friends my brother called me and asked me where I was. He wanted to know because he said he had a flight to Vegas the next night so I drove over there and met up with him. We stayed there for 4 nights breaking every sin in Sin City. I would elaborate but you know the old saying, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas".  Oh yeah, baby.

We stayed there longer than we planned and both needed to get home in record time. So when we left Vegas for NW Ohio we planned to drive non-stop. Only stopping for food, gas and restroom breaks. It was around 3am when we stopped for gas somewhere in Oklahoma. We needed gas, needed to piss and definitely needed to eat. We were starving. The service station was one of those places that had a Taco Bell,a Pizza Hut and a Kentucky Fried Chicken all together. My brother took off muttering about getting himself some Taco Bell. I had to pump the gas before satisfying my hunger but I knew I was headed straight for KFC. (I loves me some chicken).

After gassing up, hitting the head and getting 2 big bags of food we were on our way again. My brother told me he got a 10 pack of tacos. I got a 20-piece hot wings.(Oh shut up I said I was hungry). I put the box of wings on the car floor behind me so I can reach around, grab a wing, eat it up, but the bones back in the box and grab a new wing. I got skills you wouldn't believe.

At 3:15 my brother and I were both done (told you I can work it) and he said he was going to sleep. He leaned the seat back and a minute later i hear snoring.

A few hours later we get stuck in a morning traffic jam.  My brother wakes up all zombie-like, "What's going on? Why we slow down? Where are we?" "Traffic jam. Dumb ass people. Springfield, Missouri", I answer.

We say nothing for a few minutes but I can see and feel him looking at me. Just staring right at me but before I can ask what is going on he says,"What is that in your ear?","What?", I say. "What is that in your ear? You got something in your ear." I automatically put my hand up to my ear and feel around.
I do feel something so I grab it and look at it, and it's a .. it's a .. it's a damn piece of the chicken!! I got a hot wing in my ear!!!
I tell my brother,"It's a piece of chicken." We both start laughing. "How in the hell did you get a piece of chicken in your ear?", he yells. "I don't know", I yell back, "Maybe I'm saving it for later." We both laugh some more.

When I had to take a hearing test for my job I told the tester,"If I flunk this test can you check my ears for chicken?" He just said, "Pardon me" I said, "Never mind".

If we ever meet in real life and you see chicken in my shirt pocket or ear please don't think less of me. I'm just a man who loves me some chicken.

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I'm Feeling Blue

Playing in a poker tournament recently I caught the last part of a discussion two guys were having. One guy told the other, "It wouldn't matter to me if they were green or purple." Really? I don't believe that. He might not care if "they" were white, black, brown , red or yellow but purple or green I don't think so.

I never saw a purple skinned person (not counting a very bruised person) or a green skinned person (not counting a very mad Bruce Banner) so I'm guessing I might do a double take. I don't think it makes me a racist. I would be, I guess, curious how they got that color. Were Smurfs responsible for purple or green skinned people? Did Smurfs mate with Native Americans or Asians?

Wouldn't it be crazy if our skin was like a mood ring? Depending on your mood you could be one of 14 different colors.

Black - Stressed, Nervous
Red - Passionate, Angry, Energized, Adventurous
Yellow - Mental Strain
Green - Healing, Love, Calm
Blue - Relaxed, Happy
White - Frustrated, Bored
Pink - Fear
Purple - Sensuality
Orange - State of Wanting
Gray - Very Nervous
Amber - Anxious, Uncertain
Teal - Calm, Relaxed
Indigo or Violet - Happy, Romantic, Passionate
Brown - Restless

It would give a new meaning of feeling blue, and I wouldn't mind being purple or green. Wouldn't that be cool or are you too pink?

Another cool thing would involve tans. You know how people tan in the summer to get darker? What if when you sat in the sun during the winter you would get lighter? I could get as dark as I wanted during my summer tanning then go back to my original color during my winter tanning. Just think of the possibilities. Instead of people pointing at Michael Jackson and wondering what happened to his skin they would now say, " Damn, Michael has a nice winter tan going on."

That's it my article is over so color me gone.

What Global Warming

Today is Tuesday so it's time for me to try to write something.

But since nothing is coming to me I decided to write another silly poem.

Hope you like it. :)


You really have to hand it,

To the alarmists and their service,

Whenever they talk about the planet,

They make everyone nervous.

You heard it all before,

An Inconvenient Truth,

Not only from Mr. Gore,

But from every voting booth.

Yet ever since I was born,

The warming has all stopped,

Get ready to sound the horns,

Earth's temperature has dropped.

Yes, I can make it freeze,

That much is surely true,

The world has dipped a few degrees,

Because I am that damn cool.

A Medical Question???

Do you think the police are immune to the swine flu? How about actors Kevin Bacon or Jon Hamm?

Wouldn't that be great if that's how it worked? Depending on your name or what you were you couldn't get sick with something that was related to one of those things. Like Redd Foxx or Red Skeldon couldn't get Scarlet fever or cowards couldn't get yellow fever.

David Hasselhoff couldn't get the German measles. Wait , is he even German? If people could lay eggs or were wimps they couldn't get chicken pox, which reminds me of an old joke.

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs."

The rock bands Anthrax couldn't get anthrax and Def Leppard couldn't get leprosy. (okay I'm reaching there)

The Blood and the Crips couldn't get gangrene. (okay now I'm really reaching)

If people could fly or if you were Larry Bird, Sheryl Crow or Robin Williams you couldn't get the bird flu. The bird flu. I love those 2 words together. Here's a conversation my mom and I had once. Mom: I think I have the bird flu. Me: Really? I think I have the fish swam. My mom then punched me in the shoulder and told me, "Don't be a smart ass".

Okay, let's try some more.

People who listen to really old record players couldn't get mono. (Weak, huh?)

Roofers couldn't get shingles. (oh oh I better stop soon)

Dwarfs couldn't get the small pox. (okay I'm done)

Well, I can't remember why I even thought of this to write about but I really think it would be cool if that's how it really worked.

I just haven't written anything in so long I thought I would try to write something humorous to make my friends smile, and if you found it or me without feeling, apathetic or unsympathetic that's cool too. Maybe I'll never get a cold again.

Silly Poem named after a One-Hit Wonder Song #1

Being bored here I decided to try to write a poem using a one-hit wonder song as the idea.

This one is called One Night in Bangkok. It was released in 1984 by Murray Head.

Remember what Confucius said, "Man who runs naked in airport is going to Bangkok."

One Night In Bangkok

Didn't set the dang clock

While in Bangkok,

So left the hotel late.

Earlier I met a pretty Asian,

And you know I'm engaging,

So with her I set up a dinner date.

To the restaurant my cab was flying,

And my poor driver was dying,

I think he might have broke his hip.

Maybe 'cause his taxi was a rickshaw,

But hey I wasn't a dick y'all,

I did leave him a generous tip.

The maitre d said I needed neckwear,

He said in back he had a spare,

I could only say, "But why man?"

He said, "Please don't be a fool,

You knew it would be a rule,

After all you are in Tie land."

Happy "Easter" and a Another Lie

I have 4 brothers and no sisters. I was an only child for 8 years then my mom had twin boys. 4 years later another boy then 4 years later another boy. Being the oldest brings certain things. One of those things is bullshitting. There are certain things I might claim to my brothers that might not be true. Here are 2 of those lies .. errr .. I mean claims.

Claim #1

I told one of my brothers that if you were religious in early America you were persecuted. So Christians used to make religious holidays fun. Like Christmas they made sure it was a holiday where you got gifts from Santa Claus and on Easter kids got candy from the Easter Bunny.

I also told him they changed both those holidays name. Instead of Happy Birth of Jesus Day they changed it to Merry Christmas and instead of Holy Resurrection Day they changed it to Happy Easter.

I said that the people who lived in the eastern part of the U.S. called it Easter but people in the western part called it Happy Wester, and that people in Canada called it Happy Norther and people in Mexico called it Happy Souther.

I also said Canada and Mexico didn't have a Easter Bunny but instead Canada had an Easter moose and Mexico an Easter chihuahua.

Claim #2

I told one of my brothers that a long long time ago when God made this world that he made a mountain which had 4 faces on it, and for centuries people had debated on what those faces meant and who's faces they were.

How it was first discovered by a Zebidiah Rushmore, a man kicked out of his own country for religious beliefs, and how he came to the U.S. thinking he had a calling.

I told how many years later there were 4 great presidents who looked exactly like those faces and how that mountain is proof that God loves the United States of America.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't have lied to my brothers but I never saw no harm in it except the times when teachers will tell my parents my brothers had a very interesting imagination.

Some years later in a Funky Winkerbean comic strip they were talking about how dumb a high school student was and the punchline was, "He's so dumb he thinks Mt. Rushmore is a natural phenomenon".

I cut it out and gave it to my brother.